


sometimes, harry wishes he never lived.

by hermicnee



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (kinda mentioned), Angst, Character Death, Character Study, Dark, Depressed Harry Potter, Harry Potter-centric, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, POC Harry Potter, Suicidal Harry Potter, Suicidal Thoughts, The Author Regrets Everything, and made this, i just got inspired for an angsty one shot, oops sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:41:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23276476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hermicnee/pseuds/hermicnee
Summary: sometimes, harry wishes he never lived.ora snapshot of moments in his life harry potter wanted to die.
Comments: 14
Kudos: 236





	sometimes, harry wishes he never lived.

**Author's Note:**

> hi please dont read if your sensitive of suicidal/dark thoughts. seriously if thisll make u upset please dont read this. anyways enjoy this very angsty one shot i regret doing oops.

Sometimes, Harry wishes he never lived. 

He wishes he never lived on that dark, Halloween night. Small and a baby at only one years old and a father dead downstairs and a mother dead at his crib.

He cried and cried but only because he was lonely and cold and hungry and tired- he didn’t know that his fiery mother or his smiling father wouldn’t come to him. Because they were dead. And he wasn’t.

He survived a curse he doesn’t know he wasn’t supposed to outlive. A curse with sharp words and wicked smiles and a green, a lightning green that matches his eyes in such a painful way. 

The curse that scarred him.

Sometimes, Harry wishes he never lived. 

He wishes he didn’t live before that mirror that seems innocent but can drive you mad, and that wizard with two faces. A wizard with stuttering words and sweating that hid his sharp smile and evil thoughts.

He wishes he died on the stone floor. Maybe Ron and Hermione would cry over him, be angry at him, but they’d move on. 

He was just Harry. Harry with a weird last name. Harry with dark skin that didn’t go with his green eyes. Harry with wild hair that hid his scar. Harry with scars on his forehead, from magic, but also scars from belts and sharp words and hits. 

Harry wanted to die. Wanted to show the wizards and witches that saw him in awe and shook his hands, and show them that he wasn’t the Boy Who Lived. He’s the Boy Who Lost His Parents. The Boy Who Has More Scars From Muggles, Not An Evil Wizard. The Boy Who Was Tired. 

Harry wishes he had closed his eyes and never woke up in the infirmary wing.

Sometimes, Harry wishes he never lived. 

He wishes he didn’t live in the cold, wet dungeon. Where a snake roamed and a boy who was dark smirked and a girl with red hair laid dying. 

He wanted Ginny to get out, but he didn’t want himself to get out. Part of him saved Ginny because she deserves that, deserves to be heard because he’s always wanted that. But another, darker, deeper, part of him wanted to die from it. Either from the snake with fangs or the boy who scarred him.

Because he doesn’t want to live. He doesn’t want to go from Hogwarts, from his warm bed, never ending food, best friends who loved him, (his home), and go to the Dursleys. Where his bed was cold, and the he only got the leftover crumbs, and no one loved him (never his home.)

He wanted to die from killing the snake. He almost wanted to scream and cry and beg (beg beg beg please someone kill him) when Fawkes saved him. 

He hated that bird for healing his poison.

Sometimes, Harry wishes he never lived. 

He wishes Sirius Black was actually evil and was there to kill him, not Peter Pettigrew. Instead he got a man, who was more of a boy who lost his childhood from a war and lies, who just wanted revenge for his friends and to see Harry again. 

He wishes Remus Lupin killed him, he was a werewolf and couldn’t control himself, why couldn’t he had just killed Harry? Instead he got a scarred man, who was also more of a boy, who had gentle smiles and chocolate filled pockets. 

He wishes Peter Pettigrew killed him before he ran off. He was an evil rat of a man, again who was more of a boy steered wrong, who betrayed his parents to die and would kill Harry if he wished for it. Instead he was a coward, though, and ran off without so much as a word.

He wishes the Dementors had killed him, either on the train or on the pitch or on the ice cold lake. He wanted to die, wanted to join his parents screaming and ask them why, why would you save me. But instead he woke up in the infirmary wing (always the infirmary wing.)

He wishes all four of them had killed him.

Sometimes, Harry wishes he never lived. 

He wishes he drowned in that lake, that Dobby and Neville accidentally gave him the wrong plant and the water would fill his lungs and his throat would burn along with his eyes. (He knows how that feels, because Dudley did it to him when he caught Harry and pushed his head in the toilet. Or Uncle Vernon was angry and shoved his head in the sink and didn’t take him up until his eyes were red and his throat didn’t work. He wishes he died there, too.)

He wishes he died by the dragon, that maybe he’d be a little too slow and the dragon would burn him from the inside to the out until his fingerprints were gone and his skin was off. (He knows how that feels, too, because his uncle did pushed his hand to his elbow onto a pan or stove when he burnt the food. Burning his arm until it hurt to just lay there and his throat were equally burned from his screams and pleads.)

He wishes he died in that maze, either by one of the many monsters or Krum, but most of all he wishes he died from Him. Voldemort. Who killed Cedric instead, killed the boy (the spare) who was there at the wrong time and the worst thing he’d done was accidentally hit Marietta Edgecomb in the face with a screaming mandrake. Unlike Harry, who let his parents die for him, who killed a man at eleven, who didn’t listen to the small girl practically screaming for help. For being who he was. 

God, he wishes he could’ve just pushed the Hufflepuff boy out of the way and taken the curse instead, and never come back from it.

Sometimes, Harry wishes he never lived. 

He wishes he died by Umbridge. A nasty women with fake smiles and sharp nails and blood over the back of his hand. Words and words and words that cut so deep and didn’t even make sense after a while (I must not tell lies. I must not tell lies. I must not tell lies. Too late, his whole life was a lie.)

He wishes he might’ve accidentally got hit in DA and died. Hero Harry Potter, Boy Who Lived, died from accidental spell. Maybe then everyone would see he wasn’t worth it.

He wishes he died in that department. That he was crushed under the glasses and shelves or fell off where they were fighting. 

He wishes he fell through the vail instead of Sirius.

Sometimes, Harry wishes he never lived. 

He wishes he died by Draco. The boy who was like him, dark and cold and sharp and hurt and bruised and scarred and a liar. He wishes Draco fought him harder and instead of the blond, it was him on the floor covered in bloods and cuts (he already has some.) And that Snape looked at him and sneered like he always does and let him die in his pool of crimson blood.

He wishes he let the dead take him under the water, that Dumbledore would see he wasn’t worth it and find another Chosen One. 

He wishes he had been killed and fallen off the tower instead. That his spine and arms and legs would’ve cracked and people would come outside and see that the Boy Who Lived, the Chosen One, was just that- a boy. A boy who was tired and scarred and bruised and so scared.

He wishes Snape had fought back and killed him.

Sometimes, Harry wishes he never lived. 

He wishes he died searching for the Horcruxes.

He wishes Ron accidentally killed him in a fit of rage. 

He wishes Hermione would get angry at him and finish him.

He wishes he died on that forest.

He wishes he died in that battle.

He wishes. He wishes. He wishes-

But Harry Potter has always been unlucky, and the fates like him to suffer.

But still, sometimes, Harry wishes he never lived.


End file.
